=.: wEiRd EsSeNcE oF LiFe :.=

Our love continues on..

2009-02-18T14:05:00.002+08:00

Yet another long period since an entry,
laid itself upon this very page.

Here is an entry that I have dedicated to,
A special someone,
who was,
who is,
still is,
still going to be,
the one I love.

Many days has passed,
since the day we were together.
Still counting,
with this 459th day,
I love you still as deep.
Though at times,
I may not be caring enough,
loving enough,
I still love you.

Through a lot we have been,
here and there,
when and where.
Here we stand again,
gazing back at the moments we spent together.
Good ones,
bad ones,
we have them all.

We gained from them,
onwards we have moved,
and still moving,
and our love still continuing on.

We will move on,
till the time we want it to end,
that will be never.
Till the time we grow old,
my heart is with you,
and I love you.

Don't ask what if it never happens,
for it will happen,
for this i promise you.

v^_^x

Sorry

2008-10-11T11:27:00.002+08:00

Pardon me for not being a good boyfriend,
who does not give you enough security,
who does not show enough care for you.

Pardon me for not being good enough to you,
whose tones are uncontrollable,
whose emotions are sensitive.

Pardon me for not treating you well enough,
for making you unhappy,
for making you angry.

This I promise you,

For you I will change,
For you I will give,
For you I will share,
For you I will listen,
For you I will be there,

And I will love you till the end of time,
with my heart and soul.

I will never let you fall,
let you stand alone.

I will be there,
always.

For a girl like you,
is impossible to find.

You are my one and only blur chouchou,
even if I may not be your one and only kuku rainbow.

This is how much you mean to me.

pain

2008-04-15T23:13:00.001+08:00

words hurts,
what hurts more are words from you.

Loneliness i felt,
as i stood,
waiting.

The taste of loneliness,
came not of phyiscality,
but of mentality.

Your words not intended,
my mind thought otherwise.
Standing there,
a feeling of lost came,
a feeling of loneliness followed.

As hard as I tried,
I could not fight the emotions,
all I could was hold back.

My heart ached,
as I tried to tell you my feelings,
though I know my words came at a wrong time.

It ached even more,
that I am the cause of all the problems.

It ached much more,
that I wanted to tell you i love you,
but I didnt dare,
for I am the cause of the problems.

It ached so much more,
that I want to cry out loud,
for the thought of you deserving a better man than I am,
came to my mind.

It ached even much more.

Im afraid.

Who Am I?

2008-04-04T10:31:00.001+08:00

A question i will never be able to answer.

Sometimes i ask myself,
"What in the world is going on in my head?"
A question,
no matter how hard i try,
I can never succeed in answering.
The more I think,
the more I realise,
the less I know about myself.
I no longer know what I need,
what i want.
I know we exist for a purpose,
yet I do not know mine.
It feels as if I do not belong.
Bit by bit,
I seem to appear as a stranger,
even to myself.
I no longer understand,
I no longer know.
Standing in front of the mirror,
I see nothing,
but a person of mere appearance,
identical to me.
I ask myself,
"Is this me?,
or is it a reflection of my appearance,
but a whole different person all together inside?"
Where is the old me?
I can no longer find an answer to that.

Here I am,
finding myself alone and lost once again.
It seems my sky is falling down again,
how will i ever fight it?

A pain in my heart, i can never seek to remove.

2 months

2008-01-19T00:05:00.001+08:00

Looking at the hand,
as it draws near.
come thus far we have,
through many situations we have.
Lessons learnt we have,
understood each other better we have.
Love each other more we have,
cherish each other more we have.

Looking at the hand,
as it passes,
we have passed the two months.
We have moved on,
on towards the start of our third month,
and further down to the many months together.

To spend my life with you I would want to,
to love you no matter what happens I will,
to be there for you no matter what happens I will,
to be by your side to protect you I will,
to be your rainbow shining I will always.

I love you.
Happy Anniversary. =]

emotions

2007-12-16T21:33:00.001+08:00

Many words to describe the feeling,
yet none can match up to it.

Your Guardian Angel, I Will Be

2007-12-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

For you, I will be.

I will never let you fall,
I will stand by you forever,
I will be there for you through it all.

Because you are my true love.
Because I am here for you.

This I promise you.

from mr rainbow to my love. =)

a special thank you

2007-11-19T22:39:00.001+08:00

Thank you,
for the warmth in your hand,
your smile, your love.

Thank you,
for always being there,
no matter what.

a new found love

2007-11-19T00:12:00.001+08:00

Thank you,
simple words with many meanings.
Thank you,
from me to you.

Thank you,
for letting me be with you,
for letting me to hold your hand,
for letting me be a part of your life.

Thank you,
for making me feel happy,
for making me feel cherished,
for making me feel loved.

For that,
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
You will always be the special one.

=)))))

Fragile

2007-09-28T22:07:00.001+08:00

Life is so fragile,
that you never know what will happen next.
Life is so unpredictable,
that you never expect something to happen.
So we should live life,
to the fullest.

Pretence

2007-09-20T15:47:00.001+08:00

It's easy to pretend,
it's hard to speak the truth.

Facing a Mirror

2007-09-13T20:42:00.001+08:00

Standing in front of a mirror,
reflection of myself is the only one,
of the many things I see.
Will my reflection be the only one,
left standing after everything?

Just for You.

2007-09-08T23:05:00.001+08:00

A special thank you,
for a special someone,
who has a place,
deep in my heart.

For she stood by me,
lightening my mood.
For she kept me smiling,
from the bottom of my heart.
For she listened,
to the many problems.
For she talked to me,
making me feel all better.
For her presence alone,
is more than enough for me.

I thank you for being there always for me,
whenever I had problems.
I thank you for trying your best,
in attempt to cheering me up.
I want you to know,
you have and done a lot.
I cannot thank you enough.
From the bottom of my heart,
a million thanks to you.

I love you.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Feelings.

2007-09-06T00:40:00.001+08:00

Out i stretch my hand,
with thoughts of hesitation,
trying to get close,
to the collapsing pillars.

For someone special..

2007-08-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

A star born on this day,
shines especially bright.
With her she brings cheerfulness,
lightening hearts around.
Through 18 years,
she changed, grew and matured.
Waves and tides she went through,
in the many journeys.
In front of her a new path opens,
a new adventure awaits.
Supporting her always,
her loved ones.

This entry is for a special someone in my heart.
happy birthday. =)

Questions

2007-07-19T00:02:00.000+08:00

Questions fill the mind,
Doubtful judgments passed,
Abilities questioned.

2007-04-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

One look, one picture.
Clear, unforgettable.
Beautiful, elegant.

2007-01-28T23:49:00.000+08:00

A heavy heart,
a falling mind.
Simple words,
complex meanings.

unthinking mind...

Change

2006-12-22T01:33:00.000+08:00

A tick of the clock, a pool of memories.
Flashes of the past, recalls of paths.
Regrets and remorse, joy and happiness.
Doubts and disappointment, absolved and satsifaction.
Choices to make, obligations to follow.
Faces of the present, changes of the past.
a revisited back, a morphed front.
A changed life, a changing future.
Regrets in the past, hopes in the present, wishes in the future.
Leaves grow, inspirations blossom.
Life grows, aspirations sprout.

A random entry, a random idea.

2006-08-27T01:25:00.000+08:00

A blank,
that was all i could remember.
Your face still lies deep inside of my mind,
a face i can never look into.
Guilt i feel when i looked at you,
Sadness came after the second look.
Helplessness the third.
Never was there a fourth.
For these feelings were simple enough,
Enough to engulf me in a world of negativity,
A world i fell in before.

A flash,
that was all i felt.
The past it brought back to me,
along with everything.
A chance i was hoping for,
to atone my very sins on you.
Yet,
all a wishful thought.

A breeze,
that was all i needed.
The present it brought me back to,
leaving all behind.
A thought it landed,
for a new start all over.

A sleep,
that was all i realised.
Though past be past,
present be present,
past can be present,
and present can be past.

A silent sigh to heave all aside.
That was all i did.

Hi all, its been a long time since i added a new entry. a fraction of an inspiration came to me. This is for a special someone, who made me realise a few valuable things. Only a "thanks" and a "sorry" is all i can give to this special someone.

with love~

Just Another Stop in Life

2006-02-28T21:17:00.000+08:00

Just Another Stop in Life..

A Moment is taken,
For all to stop and think,
About things at that point of time.
Each stop holds different meanings,
Different discovery.
Some big,
Some small,
Yet all the same to realise things in life.
Ventured to a new stop,
A question surfaced.
"What's your true self?"
The self presented to others,
Or a self existing in the dark?
A simple question,
A difficult answer.
A true self,
One that one communicates freely,
One that one feels at ease.
A true self,
Tough as well as soft,
Yet only one side we stand.
A glassbox stand around all,
A box covered with masks.
Mine broken,
Lies on the ground.
To break it,
Or to leave it,
A choice to be made.
What shall it be?

Living...

2005-09-06T09:47:00.000+08:00

Alone i stand in the middle of nowhere,
With many faces flying pass,
Of many i know not.
I reached ahead,
Only to discover a disappointment yet again,
Lying and waiting just for me.
I look back,
All i see is people walking away,
All caring about themselves.
Standing from where I am,
I am drawn into a place of darkness.
Nothing i can do,
but figuring my way through the dark.
Nothing is there,
Not a single sound,
A single light,
Nor wind.
Existence pondered in my mind.
Alone yet again,
I let out a yell.
I hear nothing.
I stand still and silent,
Alone.
Trapped in a world's of others.
Not a single freedom given,
Only mere forced freedom.
This is the world i live in,
A world i hate so much.
Yet,
There is nothing i can do about.
Alone in a world of doubts.

2005-07-02T20:40:00.000+08:00

Alone i sat at the bus stop,
Blasting away with my discman.
I kept my head down,
Just as how my heart kept me.
Holding my handphone in my hands,
I waited for your mesage.
Just one.
Yet,
None came.
Disappointed i felt.
A tap came on my arm.
Around i turn,
Only to find a guy asking me for money.
My heart sang further.
I sat there,
Waiting.
For the bus,
For her.
Only one came.
I left.
I sat in the bathroom,
With tears running down my cheek.
Thoughts went through my mind,
Phrases from the lyrics appeared in my mind.
One stayed significant,
Sometimes i feel like letting go.
I feel so useless,
So weak.
So hopeless.
I don't wanna let go,
Because i love her.
Yet,
It hurts when nothing came from her.
Even as i type now,
Tears are filling my eyes.
How I hope,
This world is a place i can belong to.
I am more and more tired as each day passes by.
I don't know how long I can last,
How long this relationship can last,
How long my heart can take this.
All I know now is i don't know.
Pain coursing through me.

a promised poem..

2005-06-15T20:30:00.000+08:00

Many years have past for now,
and it comes back to this special day once again.
A girl born of similar background like all of us,
a life of 15 years she has lived,
in joy and happiness,
in pain and suffering,
any way you deem a human would go through.
Today,
it marks the whole new beginning of another year in her life,
one that she would let the past go,
and embrace the present.
Though things were not smooth in her 15th year,
she has come a long way to give up on her life.
Though problems flew without any problem,
in and out of her life,
it took the strain on her.
A million miles she thought she had walked,
in fact,
only a thousand mile she had barely covered.
Her friends were like lights,
stationary and only providing light on certain area.
Whenever she needs light,
all she could do was walk back to the lights.
Through and fro she walked,
miles by miles each time.
This time,
she stops.
A new start has come,
time to put everything down,
take life as the way it should be.
no ponders,
no worries,
only a relax world,
a whole new world that would give her happiness,
along with a prince charming like any classical tales.
after today,
take your first step into creating your whole new world.

= EnD =

for my love..

2005-04-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

been a while since i did something on my blog. well. here's a little entry. hmm. its suppose to b written yesterday. oh well. dunno why i feeling weird today. oh well..

many miles i taken,
many things i went through,
many good,
and many bad.
but none was as unique as this one.
this mile i came across,
back and fro i went,
because it was something special.
along this mile i picked up a rose amidst a land of grass.
dropped it i have,
and picked up again i did.
it meant more the second time.
now,
i hold on to this rose,
until i come to my place,
my destination.
for now,
it stays deep in my heart as i hold it.
a month i have come so far with this rose,
yet,
the time we have together remains unknown.
for now,
i wish to hold on tight to it,
for it means a lot.
with love i will continue to give it,
for it has taken a spot in my heart.
i love you,
my darling..

= EnD =

2005-03-26T18:20:00.000+08:00

stumbled upon a flower,
i thought it was the one i was looking for.
who were to know that this flower wasn't the one,
at least at that particular time.
i was seeking a flower that i have lost.
only when i lost the mistaken flower,
did i felt a gush of sadness flowing in me.
i realised the importance this flower meant to me.
i seek all over the places i been.
a sense of relieve came when i found it,
still in its place, touched only by me.
now this flower is etched as the most important,
feeling me with cooling satisfaction of happiness and joy.
" i love you",
simple words for the flower,
yet with sincere and deep meaning.

= EnD =

this is something for a special someone.. with lotsa love.. = )

god's creation

2005-02-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

god created man for a purpose,
one that no one know or can think of.
live he given us,
yet with flaws.
a purpose god gave,
to aim for perfection,
or rather near perfection.
it seems that man's real flaw,
isn't what the god had given us in the first place.
it is the power of the minds god given,
one with immense power that no one can hold in whole,
nor understand.
man doesn't change their flaws,
even if that they knew.
or rather easily.
such is the power of man's sub-consciousness.
a hidden power that many failto realise,
one that is hard to control.
sadness another problem it seems to many.
sadness is nothing but a delibrate emotion god given us.
god gave us this feeling,
hoping to make us whole,
at least that was what i think.
perhaps it's a test of man's perception of things.
or for us to pursue happiness in the midst of sadness.
man's existence still remains deep as a unraveled puzzle.
all this is only my perceptions,
one i cannot agree to in whole,
until i understand the whole picture.

= EnD =

haha. comments pls. cheerios. = )

just a verse..

2005-02-12T12:05:00.000+08:00

a girl had friends,
those she thought would be forever.
when they face separation to classes,
her heart felt a rip.
a distance hung between them.
m.a.d they called themselves,
it seems no longer together they are,
or rather the distance,
somehow seemed to draw them further apart.
sad she may feel,
but her friends may not be.
all this was her perception.
friends,
ones that would be there for us,
no matter what happens.
distance a problem it may seem,
keeping contact would draw this problem to nothingness.
friendship,
one people always try to keep.
many succeeded,
many failed.
all lies within keeping contact with one another.
friends are treasures,
just like life,
if only we knew how to keep it close to our hearts.

= eNd =

this is written for one of my meix. but it's not well written. haha. but nvm. if u wan leave ur comments and place ur names after u made the comments. thkx.

accursed life..

2005-02-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

crowds we stand in,
people we know,
each with a sky of only their own.
others have accursed stars appearing in their skies.
mine?
accursed my sky is to start with.
it seems,
all decisions i make comes with consequences,
both good and bad,
all too great for acknowlegdement and resolution.
my existence,
still an unraveled mystery,
mixed with the complexity of love.
now, alone as i stand.
it seems better in this way.
changes came,
it seems i changed to another person,
perhaps even one i don't know myself.
cruel this world may seem,
life goes on.
though life is a long and terrible sadness,
that is why we go all out for happiness,
trying our best even if the glimpse of hope is only nothing much but a tiny spot on a globe.
nonsense this entry may seem,
to others this is nothing but mere phrasing of words.
yet to me it has meant a lot.
understanding i no longer seek,
because this is part of my life,
my accursed life.

nothing more but a mere shadow..

2005-01-31T14:44:00.000+08:00

~ words for you ~
here i stand asking you questions,
realising how i was like to you,
at least in my perceptions.
i was never significant in ur life,
not now nor in the future.
i am nothing more but a mere shadow,
that lingers amongst your circle of friends.
this are my perceptions.
yours i don't wish to know,
as i know they mean nothing much to me.
our skies are never meant to cross paths,
at least at this point of time.
even if you are meant to be a star in my sky,
the time now isn't right for you.
one has occupied my heart so deep,
one has taken away all my love,
leaving none for you.
harsh my words may seem,
forget me though.
unable was what you told me,
but to me it seemed that you never really tried.
forget me is all i ask from you.
give others a chance to come into your sky.
you can do without me.
forgiveness is what i seek from you,
along with bits of understanding.
happiness i what i wish to give you,
as blessings for you and whoever you may choose.

this entry is meant for a girl. you will know when you read. guess that's all. leave your comments if you want.

just an entry..

2005-01-28T13:44:00.000+08:00

hmm. been rather a long time since i last updated. hmm. was busy working. no inspirations. hmm. so decided to write an entry about a good friend of mine. please leave a comment and your name about what you think about this entry. thanks.

~ sky of one ~

she stood at a point she thought she could never have gotten up,
till a point a star brought her back on.
she thought this star was a brightly lit one,
one that gave her everything she needed.
as time flies pass,
this star started to change,
from bright to dull,
at least in others' eyes.
but to her it was somehow still as bright.
the light the star used to cast on her slowly diminished,
leaving her only a dreadful feel,
a feel that she wanted the light to be back.

yet,
no longer could the star shine down on her.
she chose to let it go,
only to realise that she wanted the star back by her side.
she tried her best to get it back,
only to bring back even more grief and pain.
the star no longer shone down on her.
leaving her pain each day as it hung on her sky.
accursed the star was,
one that gave her hope and everything,
only to bring her back down again,
taking everything away from her.

pain,
a word of no ability to describe her exact feels,
only a mere word for understanding.
several stars tried,
yet none succeeded in entering her sky.
a clear spot was upon the spot that star once stood,
leaving traces of pain in her as she looks at her once beautiful sky.
hope she thought that star brought,
only to find out a curse amongst it.

now,
she is letting go slowly.
letting other stars take up the empty spot.
time will show everything till then.

hmm..

2005-01-14T19:14:00.000+08:00

i sat in front of the computer. things came to my mind. at least not my inspirations for today's entry. don't know why. suddenly it seems that my mind is filled with a lot of issues, but none was good enough for my entry. or at least that was what i thought. lately, i haven't been myself. i seemed to have changed, perhaps not a lot, maybe just a little. hmm. a few things came to mind. obviously there is only one thing that keeps bothering me, love. this is what i told one of my friend. " ridiculous i find myself. having to make a couple out of two person who are deeply in love. not with each other though. this love triangle involves me. stupid is the word. " i think this is about it. hmm. as i started to make a couple out of the two of them. something stopped me. since i told the girl to give the guy a chance, then why was it that i didn't give her a chance? this thought hung deep in my mind. hmm. guess love cannot be forced. moreover, my good friend told me something. " its important not to fall into a trap which most of us do.. that is to like and have feelings for someone becasue the other party feels for us... and it is more so when we just ended a relationship, thus needing a comforting channel and a person to love us " i understand what he was trying to say. but still, i'm still a bit rather unsure yet. perhaps like what others say before, time tells it all. hmm. i can tell that the guy actually likes her a lot, definitely more than i do. moreover i only have a bit of feeling. the guy is much more caring as compared to me. he can wait for her and send her home. i guess i can't do that. that guy, though he may look like those attitude type, he actually can be good-hearted, be better than me. i don't know why, but i just have that feeling. hmm. taking a step at a time seems to me that it will take longer than i expected. i don't know what to do next. i guess i can only wait for the right time to come. i guess i have to depend on my instincts for now. haix. cheerios.

a ripping feeling.. a pain i never felt before..

2005-01-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

hmm. went to sch on fri. saw both hers. first when i saw one of them i felt guilt creeping up to me. i don't know why. perhaps it's because i hurt her and though she may seem fine, guilt is still in me. hmm. then when i saw the other, my heart started to feel a strong and acute pain in my heart. as i saw her sat down and getting ready, my heart felt the pain and yet i kept my eyes on her. guess i still love her even though she may have hurt me. inside me, there is guilt and pain. this two feelings are ripping my heart apart. haix. i have yet to let go of the feelings i have for her. neither could i be together with the other. being with her will only make me feel more guilty because i will break her heart in the end as most of my heart is still with the other. haix. this ripping feeling has been hanging on to me since fri and until now, i still feel awful about it. haix. no matter what i do, this feeling just comes back to me. hmm. guess i again have to take a step at a time though i said it a lot of times. hmm. think i end here le. feeling sick soon. cheerios..

memory or unforgettable love..?

2005-01-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

hmm. yesterday as i went out, thoughts of her came to me. same old thoughts again. when i was at home, i don't know why, suddenly the image of her brought me back to the time when i was with her. the way she looked that time. the way i looked through her very eyes. i noticed something. the glow in her eyes. it seemed to me that there were sparks of love within her beautiful eyes. hmm. it etched deep in my mind. i want to move on, yet these memories come back to me like they were meant to do so. not a moment memories of her slipped my mind. it seems that these memories just kept recalling in my mind. i guess this time i have fallen too deep in that it's hard for me to get out. it's like taking a walk down a neverending path for me. i have yet to arrive at the exit of this dark, winding road. hmm. tomorrow i need to return to school, yet the fear of running into her haunts me. even the fear of facing the girl that i rejected comes uninvitedly. guess i need to do something about my life, my fears, my emotions. though i may not know what to do now, i guess i have to take one step at a time. until that time comes. cheerios.

new year resolution..? ..

2005-01-02T20:06:00.000+08:00

hmm. the year starts with thoughts wandering in my head. hmm. been here and there, seen resolutions of many. come to think of it, resolutions for a new year never crossed my mind for the past few years. i just let life as the way it should be. hmm. been a couple of days after the new year, thoughts are still flowing in my mind. actually, i haven't been rather myself these past few days. this weirdness dwelling inside of me, seems really very familiar yet so strange. using mere words to describe feelings isn't my forte, let alone this weird feeling that i have been having. hmm. guess there isn't much resolution, only to wish for a simple and easy life, a happy one too. and guess to wish all a safe and happy life. think i stop here le. cherrios.

weird i guess..

2005-01-01T20:55:00.000+08:00

hmm. actually i don't have much to write about, but still, i'm going to come up with a entry. hmm. i don't know. it's weird. came here with rather a down feeling. hmm. i had a dream about her. okay, maybe with her but at least it concerned her. hmm. dreamt that i loved her very much. i even dreamt of myself crying. weird i guess. hmm. perhaps this shows that i haven't gotten over her. hmm. i fon't know why. perhaps because of the dream. i have been feeling weird this whole day. hmm. guess life for me is getting weirder and weirder each day. somehow, i feel lost even though i know where i am. i guess i am one step closer. closer to making a decision. i have this gut feeling. that she (not my ex) and i don't seem to fit as a couple. i don't know. perhaps it's my instinct that tells me so. true i admit that i may have a bit of feelings for her, i can't love her. at least not now. because most of my feelings are not for her. and i'm not ready. i have this feeling that i want to take things as easy and simple as possible. i don't wish to move into a relationship so fast after a breakup. i need time, time for me to heal, time for me to be who i am once again. who knows maybe she will find someone who is better than me? i wouldn't ask her to wait. instead, i would ask her to move on because i can't promise her that i will love her in the future. i can only be sure of things for now. i am tired. i need a break. need time to do things that i want to. it's already hard for me to handle the problems in my life, let alone adding on the responsibilities in a relationship. i guess i stop here le bahx. hey, i thank you for your love for me. sorry that i can't be the guy that you want. and thanks to all of you who added comments to my emtries. please please leave a name or at least a nick alright? even if you are a stranger, it's alright. just put your name okay? thank you all. cheerios.

~ walking down the lonely lane of love, reaching for the exit that seems near yet so far. ~

fear striking me once again..

2004-12-30T16:44:00.000+08:00

hmm. don't know how to put it across. hmm. hope this entry doesn't not offend anyone. if it does i apologise. hmm. fear has come to me once again. hmm. some of my friends might know about this. hmm. you know, there is a person that likes me a lot, but i shall not mention the name. hmm. my friends who know her told me that she is a very good girl. even my brothers said that too. you know, whenever they say that, a thought flashed through my mind. hmm. mayb not one, but a few. thoughts of whether i like her was wandering in my mind, and till now i still don't have the answer. hmm. since everyone said that she is a good girl, it's natural of me to think that i may not be worthy enough for her. hmm. i don't know. hmm. it seems to me that i can never give enough happiness to those who were with me. most of them ended up getting hurt. hmm. and i getting to doubt myself going into a relationship. can't help it i guess. hmm. been having this weird feeling. it was about the same feeling that i once had when i was with my 3rd ex i think. this feeling, i don't know how to describe. guess i can only say that this feeling makes me rather uneasy and maybe a bit weird. i just don't know. i am afraid that i will make the same thing that happened between my ex and me again, or at least somewhat similar. hmm. i don't know. if only i knew the answers to all my questions. what should i do? hmm. think it's better for me to go down to the beach once again. let the breeze clear my thinking. hmm. cheerios.

what's wrong with me..?

2004-12-29T15:12:00.000+08:00

hmm. went to school today once again. took a different transport this time. hmm. i took my time to school. saw orchestra people performing. my friends were already in the drama room. hmm. there was nothing much to do so i went walking here and there with my friends. hmm. went to the canteen with my friends. hmm. then chinese orchestra had their lunch break i think. then i saw her. but it seems to me that she is rather... i don't know, avoiding me? hmm. when she walked past, she seemed to be ignoring my presence. hmm. don't know why, had a urge to go forth and talk to her, but i guess fear of rejection curbed this urge. i held back. continued to talk to my friends like as if nothing happen. hmm. i don't know what to say. perhaps i can never be friends with her again? who knows? hmm. went here and there again with my friends. stopped by the music room. hmm. went here and there again. hmm. after that went for lunch. then went home. i don't know why. i couldn't say goodbye to a friend. perhaps of what has happened. i don't know either. twice she walked past, twice she said goodbye. all i did was standing there, not doing anything. not even a goodbye was said. i don't know. hmm. feeling weirder as each day past. hmm. guess i still can't understand myself well enough. or is it my sub-consciousness causing all these? hmm. all i know now is that i can only say i don't know. guess i'm not used to this feeling. it seems familiar yet different. i guess things aren't really that good for me. hmm. it's weird. it seems to myself that i'm feeling both sad and happy at the same time. i don't know. hmm. guess i need to take another walk at the beach. feeling weirder and weirder each day. guess i end here then. cheerios everyone.

sleeping to dream about you..

the disaster..

2004-12-28T20:01:00.000+08:00

guess everyone has heard about the big disaster that has struck asia. though i may seem small as compared to the whole world, it is still as devastating. hmm. i have nothing much to do so i shall talk about this. hope you all don't mind. haha. hmm. i don't know why, this struck me. hmm. not in a devastating way, but a weird way. haha. how weird? haha. you will find out soon. hmm. the earth is like us, a human being. haha. we are like the cells of the body. the land being the muscles or whatsoever. haha. just like us, the earth is made up of about 75% of water i think. haha. hmm. this little disaster is like a disease to a body. it kills cells. just like how this disaster killed many. haha. hmm. actually, this make me realise something. life is fragile. we come and go quicker than you think we are. hmm. diseases can strike us anytime. just like how suddenly this disaster hit one part of asia. hmm. so we should treasure our life instead of taking things for granted or wishing to die. life itself is a treasure as said in national treasure. haha. i hereby give minutes of silence for those who were killed in the disaster and may they rest in peace. hmm. haha. sorry for all this crap once again. i don't know what to write le. haha. guess i end here le. cheerios everyone.

what's the word again..?

2004-12-28T19:40:00.000+08:00

hmm. leaving from my home, i began my way to school, once again. taking the usual transport, i started thinking about all that would be happening. never did i know that i had this coming. hmm. as i took my steps towards school, memories of her started fill me as i walked down the path she and i once took. hmm. i don't know why, but the feeling is rather strong. suddenly, i fill the rush to see her by my side. i miss her smile, the feel of her hand, her voice, her smell, her everything. i could imagine vividly of her walking beside me. her love for me was there, but now, the love is gone, only leaving behind mine for her. how i wish she was there. i guess it can and will never happen. i wanted to stop, reminiscing the times i had with her. yet i continued to move on, because i know life has to go on even if she is no longer there for me. i guess as long as she lives in my mind and heart, things will be good enough. guess this is the first time i miss someone so badly. hmm. a bit sad as i may feel, i will still move on as a cheerful person because i know that happiness is best for a enjoyable life. hmm. don't know why, i just feel that this entry sucks. sorry to all who are reading this entry. please forgive me for the poor use of words. hmm. to all lovers out there, cherish each other because both of you help each other build up the kind of sky you want. cheerios.

what to say..? hmm..

2004-12-24T19:57:00.000+08:00

hmm. finally took a walk down the beach. actually wasn't really a walk. yet i enjoyed myself. hmm. actually my brother, yi long, wanted to accompany me. hmm. he had a fever, so i told him to stay at home. hmm. then i went to the beach. coincidentally, i met a friend. hmm. then went here and there. hmm. then went to the beach. sat down on the rocks. hmm. started thinking about quite a few things. hmm. my friend accompanied me to the beach though. so i told her what happened to me, but it was part of it only. hmm. i sat down there and wondered. if life could just freeze at that moment, with the strong breeze blowing, taking away my troubles and such. though not taken away fully, the wind at least took away the troubles to let me relax for a while. hmm. must go to the beach more often. it seems like a peaceful place. hmm. if only life can be that peaceful. hmm. i wonder. if life were to be that peaceful, would i have grown at least to a better and stronger person? hmm. life is so mysterious. hmm. as i sat on those rocks, i noticed the clouds. amongst the white clouds, there stood a huge piece of dark cloud. the dark clouds are like my troubles. they block part of the sunlight from reaching down. just like me trying to get over my troubles. hmm. wind is like my friends, my brothers, aiding me with my problems. and when the problems are gone, life becomes bright as the sun shines down on the whole place. hmm. as i watched the sun's ray reflect on the water surface, it reminded me of something. it brought to me the image of my sky in my heart. there were stars that had disappeared, but memories of their fade presence still exist in the sky. thinking of them, my heart started to brighten up. it somehow assured me a happy life at that point of time and i'm truly grateful that i had these memories still within my mind. hmm. guess i have grown up. maybe not a lot. maybe just a little, but i have learnt a lot. hmm. the beach shall be my dream home in my sky, in my heart. hmm. thank you all for those who helped me in one way or another. haha. life is truly magical. you never know what is going to happen next. like what one of my godsister told me, if we are born to live, why live in sadness while you can live happily? life must go on no matter what happens. hmm. now i understand. haha. hmm. guess i will end here. what i understand i shall leave it to my next entry i guess. hmm. everybody especially to my friends who are feeling down and others too, cheerios!! happy christmas eve! = )

the 4th person that give me memories..

2004-12-23T19:57:00.000+08:00

hmm. been several days since the breakup. think i have birghtened up a bit. still need more time and a walk which i'm going to take tomorrow. hmm. right now, i guess this entry is suppose for me to thank her, the 4th perosn that brought to me joy and happy memories even though she broke my heart. hmm. she was the first i guess to hold hands with, the first i gave a sincere kiss, the first i had such a long realtionship, and the first that i love so deep that i can't pull myself back up. though the times we had have been rather short and that we never really spend a lot of time together, i was happy with her i guess. there were times i brought sadness to her, and i truely apologise for those times. thanks to her, i understand love better, though not that well, it helped. thank you for this period of time. from the bottom of my heart, i love you and i will not forget the times we had. cheerios.

what to say..? ..

2004-12-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

guess today isn't very much a good day for me. crap man. always hated my family. even until now. today when i walk home, i saw rows of flowers. bright as they can be, i can never be as them. i'm like a black cloud amongst a sky of white. a totally misfit. feel so crap. was i in total wrong? would the kid let go of the stupid mouse if i asked him to? would he not cry even if i just took the mouse? he would not. crap man. i hate living in this place. things in this house will only bring sadness to me. what crap is this man? must i always be blamed for everything i do? does that even mean that the things i do are of total wrong? alright alright. everything is my fault. just make it stop man. it's torturing me. i hate my life. need a walk, need a quiet time only to myself. need a break from all these. now, i'm just like a withered flower standing among a bunch of attractive and beautiful flowers. just wish someone or something can pluck me away and take me to a place where there are no troubles or problems at all. life at this point of the stage is a torture to me. hate myself.

* note: to those anonymous comments, please leave a name. thanks.

thoughts flowing through my mind..

2004-12-21T19:10:00.000+08:00

hmm. to start off with, i don't know how to describe today. don't know if it's good or bad. hmm. when i was in school today, i saw her. yet somehow, i feel a kind of a sting in me. i don't know if i should look at her or just pretend she wasn't there. hmm. in the end, i guess i did both? who knows? hmm. realised that she has a new stead now. through my friend. hmm. i started thinking. and i thought about the breakup she had with meng hui. i realised. she broke up with him to be with me. just like then, she broke my heart to be with another. hmm. maybe this is the real truth. maybe not. things are never whole when we look at them in one perspective. perhaps she has her side of the story. there is no right or wrong i guess. things are like that. thats how misunderstandings happen i guess. hmm. i don't know why. when i found out about that. i felt a certain pain. maybe not too big, but it was sharp. hmm. things are very different now. hmm. guess i really need time. time to take a walk down the beach. to think over all the things that has happened in my life. may sound silly but i'm really going to do that. hmm. perhaps what i told angela are my perceptions. hmm. i can't follow the will of my heart. even through it, my sky doesn't show its prowess, its beauty and such. i'm just a boy going through growth. to those guys reading my blog, i'm sorry for such a lousy update. i couldn't use words to describe my feelings now. thanks to those who showed my care and concern. cheerios..

a star lost..

2004-12-18T14:17:00.000+08:00

hmm. yesterday was not a good day i suppose. a star that has been shining has chosen to leave my sky. hmm. can't say i'm very sad nor happy. guess i can only say that i'm moodless. can't seem to feel the sadness that i'm suppose to feel. when i cried in the afternoon yesterday, it occured to me in the night that i realised that i can no longer cry once again. once again, i have stepped into the world i had in the past. it's all coming back to me now. hmm. perhaps it seems rather ironic to me. i told a person who was unhappy with her boyfriend to leave as it's useless and the unexpected happened to me. hmm. life at times is cruel. things just happen like that and we can't reverse it. hmm. at least there are still other bright stars still in my sky. they are the ones that beautify my sky. they are my friends. they give me support, encouragement and joy. they are the stars in my sky. i want to thank my friends for being there for me, especially the special three who has been in my life for nearing 4 years. hmm. thank you for finding time for me. and i want to thank a person who is willing to accompany me to go walk walk. you should know who you are. thanks guys. Crusaders4 forever! cheerios. thanks to those who gave me advices and comments too. i appreciate you all.

to the dearest and special someone in my life..

2004-12-17T16:54:00.000+08:00

haix. as i'm updating this, i'm crying. because i realised something. i realised that i haven't been giving the person i love happiness. i don't know what to do, what not to do next. i guess i'm really at a loss now. i'm sorry for everything i have done. i never knew how you really felt. i'm not a good stead. haix. i can never seem to bring any happiness to the people i love. when i talk to you just now and realising all that, i felt a pain in my heart. how was i suppose to give you happiness when i have so much problems at home, with my family? i really don't know what to do. darling. please forgive me for not giving you moments you want, happiness you need. all i can sae to you is please forgive me, give me another chance to give you happiness and joy you need. i really wish to be with you. i need you. please darling. i don't wish to lose you just like that. i love you. alot.

Life's like this..?

2004-12-13T09:53:00.000+08:00

hmm.. wanted to update a few days ago, but didn't have the mood to do so. hmm. about the dream thingy, i don't wish to write about it anymore. hmm. i guess yesterday was rather a saddening day for me. got scolded by my mum for nothing. just because of a stupid leftover dish from the previous day. scolded me for not pouring it away. haix. then in the first place why she didn't pour it away in the morning? crap man. haix. felt more sad the day before yesterday. hmm. wanted to tell darling how i felt. but had no chance to. she was on a class outing and she never reply me only until about 10 at night. then she only replied at 11 plus only to tell me she going to bed. how was i ever able to tell her how i felt that day? moreover the next day, she was at her grandma's funeral and couldn't message me too much. and it's like until thursday. how am i suppose to tell her how i felt? until thursday? it's too far away. haix. sometimes i don't feel treasured by her. maybe because i give this much, i demand a bigger return. haix. what to do? haix. guess i should just give her what i can and don't ask for return. hmm. hope today i can enjoy myself. going to watch blade with my friends. hmm. guess i can only wait for her good night message everyday until thursday. hmm. think i stop here le bahx. don't wish to write anymore. chaos..

~ loving you still as deep, missing you as much ~

my own perceptions of my problems..

2004-12-06T21:42:00.000+08:00

hmm. been a while since i last updated. don't know what to say. guess i can only say that i'm just getting the same problems in life. all begins with a simple thing in life. a family. i'm sure everyone has a family, be it a broken or a wonderful family. but to me, i can't seem to find the best word to describe. so far i can only use a word, "mismatching", to describe it. my mother and sister are the two that cannot get together. like what the chinese zodiac says about monkey and tiger keeping their distances, it applies to the two of them. one is a tiger, one is a monkey. thay can't seem to live peacefully together. hmm. then, there is my eldest sister. she is born a under rooster year. she seems to be those who do not care much about the family on the surface. but she cares some way or another that makes me feel weird. i also don't know this feeling. hmm. then there is my father, i guess someone that will always look down on me. same as me, he is born a dragon. with two dragons in the house, the teo will fight to gain power i guess. haha. that's only my perception i guess. hmm. everyday i do something, i don't know why i will always hear at least a comment from him. perhaps a joke to him, but it seems like an insult to me. no matter how i try to swallow down those words, i failed in the end. and everyday i will always get scoldings from my mother. and a lot of things have happened at home. i guess only one of my friends know about it. hmm. don't wish to talk about it either. hmm. you know, whenever i have problems and would want to share with my darling, i fail to do so. why? because i don't have my handphone with me anymore. i can't message her every now and then. i have to wait for my sister to get back from work to use her phone. even so, i can't use long. i want to call her to talk, but she told me that her parents will nag at her if she talk on the phone for too long like 5 to 10 minutes i think. haix. want to tell her how i really feel also so hard to do so. i have cried to sleep twice last week i guess. maybe i may cry to sleep today. who knows? hmm. i really don't know what to do staying in this home. sometimes i feel like moving out, but i can't because i can't support myself. moreover, would they even allow me to? i don't know what life i am getting into. i even have this weird dream of me doing i don't know what dangerous stuff. it's just a stupid dream. most of the dreams i have comes through, so will this dream come through? i don't know. hmm. i will describe roughly about the dream on my next update. hmm. haix. i don't know what to do next. i promised her to tell her of my problems, but how can i just tell her in just mere words in abbreviations? i can't. haix. it's not that i deliberately want her to worry about me, but it's just that these problems just come to me and i want to express my thoughts and feelings to her but just can't deliver them to her. haix. guess i'm stupid bahx. a pathetic guy indeed. even as i write this update, i wait for her to come online just like any other day. everyday i will offline with disappointment because she never online. it's not that i'm blaming her, it's just that i wait and wait yet nothing. how am i suppose to tell her how i feel? now, i feel a bit like crying. why? because my sister is making me feel so stupid, so whatsoever. i wish i don't belong here man. i wish to live in a place by myself. haix. want to break free from this place. argh!

~ guess i still miss you lotsa. love you still. ~

things that has been going thorugh my mind, my life..

2004-11-25T20:06:00.000+08:00

hmm. things really are starting to have big changes. hmm. i suddenly had this feeling. my parents can never understand how i really feel. i guess so. a lot of things has been there and i have been through a lot. life for me is all together different from what i have led in my previous years. hmm. my parents can never understand the kind of feeling i have towards my co-curriculum activities. to them, it may be a waste of time. yet, to me it's a enjoyable time spend and i have learnt a lot from those around me. i guess i can never be what they want me to be, like those that go to junior colleges, moving to university, and obtaining a degree or what so ever. for me, i want to take a path i really want, not a path that they want me to take on. i want to go to polytechnic, take a diploma. if possible, i want to get into the top 5% for my course and go to nanyang technology university. i want to get a honours from there. hmm. hopes everything goes well. hmm. but that is still a long way down the path. hmm. all i want to have are all the sweet and wonderful memories with someone i love, my darling. though i do not know how long our relationship will go, i will try my best to cherish and treasure this loving relationship. think i stop here le. feeling boredom reaching up to me.

~ mIsSiNg yEw LiKe aLwAyS. LoViNg yEw LotSa lOTsA. mUaCkIex. heEx. ~

a step nearing to a new world..

2004-11-24T21:38:00.000+08:00

hmm. been sitting in front of the computer for hours. hmm. 2dae went to school to get back some things and had some briefing. hmm. i don't really know if i want to go for the 3 months course at C.I. the distance is quite far i think. then i want to work and earn money also.hmm. life is getting different from now on i guess. hmm. tomorrow i still need go back to school to help out in the open house thingy. hmm. things are starting to change a lot. my life. my distances with my friends. almost everything i guess. hmm. saw my darling perform today. haha. don't know what to say to her when i saw her. though i wanted to say at least a "hi" to her, i was rather shy. haha. so in the end i didn't. hmm. first time really looking at my bro conducting. haha. a bit funny his actions were. haha. then josiah asked me which one my stead. haha. then he saw le. hmm. den went home. hmm. think i stop here le. need to off computer le. hmm.

~ mIsSiNg yEw sTiL LotSa. LoViNg yEw LotSa tOo. ~

doubting my existence even more..

2004-11-21T19:25:00.000+08:00

haix. can't seem to cheer up 2dae. i'm suri dar dar. haix. 2dae wake up only to be banned from watching television. haix. life now is like a torture to me. haix. can't blame anyone else but myself bahx. i brought all this upon myself for doing a mistake i once done in the past. at least that's what my mum stated. haix. how can i ever bring myself to smile? how can i have the mood to take the paper tomorrow? suddenly i feel like giving up. i caused even more trouble today to my family. haix. my sis quarrelled with my mum. both ended up crying. haix. perhaps i should not even continue to stay here or carry on living. at least it would not cause anymore troubles or problems for my family right? i really feel i don't fit into this world. not even in this family. i am like a total misfit. sometimes i even wonder if i was their son. my characteristics is not like them. not even a single bit similar. i'm losing grip of myself. i can't help but cry myself to sleep. i can't help but feel sad at home. i wish. how i wish. i don't have to live here. haix. i can't help but hate myself for creating all this problems. haix. i didn't have the mood to eat. i skipped my breakfast. actually i had my lunch. but after eating a few mouthfuls, i threw the food away. i could not carry on eating. but at least dinner was okay. i managed to eat finish my food but i ate little of the dishes cooked. haix. i just wish to get out. the only day i can get out i guess is tomorrow. i feel so much pathetic than before. haix. what worse shall come? haix. i'm tired. yet i continue to hold on because of her. she is my only biggest pillar of support. haix. i really don't know what to do. haix.

~ fEeLiNg SaD. nEeDiNg yOu EvEn MoRe. hAix. ~

damn bored..

2004-11-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

hmm. a rainy day. stayed at home. rot at home. 2dae supposingly to have another war against the same group of people. but i guess i'm not going to help defend. hmm. without me they should be able to survive? hmm. missing her lotsa 2dae. don't know what to do now. i played games here and there. hmm. haha. today i gained $50. my god mum gave it to me when she came to my house today, supposingly to visit my mum and sis's baby i guess. but when she came they had already left to take the baby for a check up. hmm. i wish now that i can talk to my dar dar. hmm. really miss her like hell. hmm. guess i end here le. need to go cook rice. hmm. wish all the best to my guild in the war. cheerios.

~ mIsSiNg yEw LotSa LotSa. LuRviNg yEw LiKe aLwAyS. ~

doubtful of my feelings.. fearing of losing..

2004-11-18T18:15:00.000+08:00

hmm. what a day. supposingly to reach home in the morning. yet i returned home in the late afternoon. hmm. read my darling's blog. don't know why. after reading her blog, i feel rather useless. why would i feel this way? because i feel that i can never care enough for her. i can never be really there for her when she needs me. what to do? i hate myself. hate myself for not being there for her when she needs me. i should not have caused my phone to be confiscated in the beginning. haix. if not, i would have been thinking of how to cheer her up. haix. actually i wanted to call her. but i don't know why, i have this feeling that she isn't at home. haix. actually, i'm sitting in front of my computer, waiting for her to come online. haix. why is it that i can't seem to bring enough happiness to those around me? haix. even my family. i told myself time and time again, not to lose my temper, to be patient towards them, not to hold a single grudge against any of them. yet i can't seem to achieve anything. in the end, i broke down several times. haix. actually. when i went out today with jo and ys, i told about my relationship with my darling. i don't know why, a lot of things just came naturally to my life. yet, there' a thought that sank in my mind. this time, i really fear losing this relationship, losing her. i don't even know why and how this came about. actually, i miss her a lot every single day. i come online, hoping to see her online. even at times i want to call her but always feared that she wasn't at home or that i would be disturbing her. everyday, i hoped i could have a chance to talk to her. but don't know why. i did not. i don't know myself now. i don't even know what i have become or is becoming. guess i'm lost again. darling, i feel a kind of barrier in between us. yet, i hope i can break every barrier in between us. no matter how i try. i can't seem to succeed in the end. dar dar, i hope we can keep this relationship and onto another phase. i hope you can tell me all your feelings and problems. i want to share weal and woe together with you. because you are the one i'm deeply in love with. hunnie, i hope to have a good relationship with you. you play a important part in my life and i hope i do too in your life. no matter what happens, i will always be there for you. so you need to be strong wor. i will give you all my support, care, concern and most importantly, love. okay? so must tell me all your xin shi wor. i will be your listening ear and your comfort if you need. =) stay cheerful wor.

~ LoViNg yOu aLwAyS. sTiL mIsSiNg yOu LotSa. ~

a dreadful day..

2004-11-16T18:03:00.000+08:00

hmm. woke up early today. waken up by my mum's and sis' stenorian voices. they are like talking at the top of their voices man. woke up and had to start doing chores. man. it's so stupid. i also had to hear my mum's rattering the whole day. hmm. used the computer at about 10 plus. my sis was using, but she was going out for an interview. hmm. man. time for me to work is coming. hmm. hope i can find a job. haha. was hoping i could see her online. haha. then she just came online not long ago. hmm. miss her lotsa man. guess i need to apologise to her about yesterday. hmm. feeling rather tired. hmm. can't go to sleep. later have to take part in the guild war. hmm. also because i wanna talk to her. haha. hmm. think i end here le. got nothing more to write. hmm. stupidboi, signing off..

~ mIsSiNg yOu LotSa, LoViNg yOu LotSa. = ) ~

should i feel sad or disappointed..?

2004-11-15T16:32:00.000+08:00

hmm. 2dae is mon. a public holiday. another dreadful day. another boring day at home. hmm. talked to her yesterday. should i say good or bad? hmm. she told me cannot accompany go sch on 24th. man. hmm. i guess really cannot see her for the whole of november le bahx. hmm. actually, i planned to give her a few things on the 18th. but that day she told me cannot go out. hmm. then i guess that was never mind. hmm. then i was hoping to give her those things on the 24th. but now. hmm. don't know when will i be able to give her. pathetic sia. hmm. guess i find myself stupid not to tell her how i feel. haix. you know, i really feel like seeing her again. yet, i don't even know when i can do that man. pathetic boy i am.

~ StiL mIsSiNg yOu, LoViNg yOu.. ~

argh!! haix..

2004-11-11T19:12:00.000+08:00

i don't know what the hell gotten into me. feel so sad now. not just sad. very sad. haix. feel like crying man. what is this i'm feeling? i'm trying very ard to keep tears from flowing. yet they are going against me. haix.. xin arh. i really need u by my side. haix. i want you now. haix..

a pathetic boy..

2004-11-11T18:13:00.000+08:00

hmm. 2dae is a holiday. hmm. left to rot at home. hmm. getting a headache now i guess. haha. nvm. can be cured. hmm. feeling so bored at home. sat at home whole day watch tv, use computer. did not have the mood to study at all. hmm. there isn't much to write about. hmm. just now asked her for a date on the 18th, a month's relation. guess can't do that. haix. she told me that she was goin out on wednesday, then thursday can't go out. hmm. guess i'm unlucky. hmm. don't know why. sometimes feel that god is playing jokes on me. at times he present me with moments of happiness, times he pour sadness onto me. i wonder, is my life meant to be this way? hmm. initially, i put the title as pathetic day. but now, i changed it to a pathetic boy. guess thats all. still missing you and loving you.

a good day becomig bad..

2004-11-10T16:06:00.001+08:00

freak arh. living in this house spells only one thing to me. bad. thought that today can be a good day because i could see her and accompany for a short while. was happy that time. bought simple plan's new album. when i came home, things turned bad. i used the computer. was playing game. then my mum keep asking to do this do that. she can do but she don't want. come and ask me to do. then nvm. i do. then again, she ask me do chores which she can do. then after that, i need to feed that ass hole baby my mum looking after. then scold me for not helping her feed the baby. it's not that i don't want to help her lor. you think it's easy to feed a kid who runs here and there and doesn't even bother about you? after that my sis came home. then in the early afternoon, what she did? scold me. scold me for using the computer. like as if the computer is hers lor. can't i even use? then when she left the house that time keep warning me not to let her see me using the computer when she returns. you know how i feel? i wish i never have this sis man. hopes she never returns. ass hole. then what? my mum keep scolding me. is everything my fault? what the hell i did wrong man? why is it always that i get scolded for things i do and don't even do? what the freak is this man? am i born a slave to serve my family? what the hell man. hate my life, hate my family. they don't even care about my feelings. darling arh. i need you badly. i need your words, your care, our concern, your love and your shoulder. arggh!!

a star shining even brighter than before..

2004-11-09T21:13:00.000+08:00

this is my life. a life that's is slightly different from that in the past. why? simply because of her, my darling. hmm. received a message from her. felt really very happy as i read through the message. very simple yet meaningful and touching. she told me that she feels happy with me and i am the one she loves the most and a lot a lot and that she will never let me be sad. hmm. this means a lot, to me. she has always been the shining star for me sice the day i have been with her. she brought a lot of joys to me. though at times her jokes may hurt me, i still feel the happiness i want with her. hmm. guess i am going to meet her tomorrow to pass her something and accompany her to Lot1. hmm. i red now. haha. because i went for a swim together with yao sheng and josiah. then after that we went for a tan. haha. sun 2dae damn powerful. haha. hmm. about a week's time to the next paper, geography. hmm. have so much time on hand to study for a maths and geography. haha. doubt i will spend all the time to study man. hmm. think i stop here le. tired..

~ mIsSiNg yOu LiKe aLwAyS. LoViNg yOu StIlL. = ) ~

a crappy day..

2004-11-08T17:38:00.000+08:00

hmm. 2dae took e maths paper 2. seems abit tougher as compared to paper 1. hmm. crap man. after i finish the invigilaor don't let me sleep sia. can't even close my eyes man. feel so tired yet can't sleep. argh! stupid stupid stupid. never mind. after that went to eat with my friends. hmm. went to the kopitiam near the school. after that i went home. hmm. when go home that time i don't know why. my darling just came across my mind. hmm. actually i felt like i really want to see her. even if it's for a short while i also don't mind. haix. but i can't possibly wait bahx. because i went home that time was about 11.50. guess i didn't wait because i have to study for tomorrow's chemistry exams. but guess what? i haven't even study. haix. no mood to study. no mood to do anything now. feeling sick and down. don't even know why. haix. pissed off by my friend just now. because of his attitude. arg! heck with it. guess no one understands my feelings. still need cook rice. oh ya. just now i went to see the video from the australia idol. wow! it's much better than our own. powerful singer man. singapore idol is a small fry compared with them. hmm. don't know why. i just feel that somehow i don't belong in this world. there's something that is drawing the line between me and the others. yet i don't even know what it is. hmm. perhaps i think too much. just don't know. feeling more and more weird, more and more unwell.

+ losing grip. struggling to hold on. +

~ missing you still as much. loving you even so. ~

will fear really come..?

2004-11-06T17:36:00.000+08:00

hmm.. forgot to update yesterday. just woke up not long ago. feeling hot now. hmm. yesterday took a maths paper 1. hmm. wasn't as difficult as i imagined it to be. hmm. it was rather easy. still i will not do very well because i'm sure i will have a lot of careless mistakes. haha. but the paper is over. no use worrying le. hmm. now is the fear that the paper 2 will be quite tough. hmm. think need to take e maths paper 2 to estimate whether the paper will be tough. hmm. buta maths paper is only on 18/11. thats quite long away. hmm. should be enough for me to practice more of relative velocity. hmm.
today afternoon online for about an hour. haha. happy she was online. hmm. had a cheerful chat with her. haha. hmm. really very happy to have known her. haha. hmm. yesterday made something for her. hmm. just waiting to give her. haha. hmm. 18/11, stupid enough to have a maths paper on that day. hmm. haha. i guess it's ok bahx. hmm. this day is special, as least to me. haha. you will know why. haha. think i stop here le. hmm.

~ mIsSiNg yEw LotSa. LoViNg yEw mOrE aS eAcH dAy PaSsEs. =) ~

a weird day..

2004-11-04T16:36:00.000+08:00

hmm.. taken e maths paper 1 2dae. hmm. was a rather easy paper. think i should be able to get good grades. hmm. tomorrow is a maths le. the subject that i have always fear. hmm. guess i can only say, come what may. hmm. don't know why. feel so weird. want to feel sad also wrong feeling. want feel disappointed also very funny. hmm. damn disappointed in my juniors. pathetic bunch of idiots. hmm. wrong use of words. can't say bunch to describe two idiots. hmm. nvm la. don't want to care about them. haix. miss my darling lots. feeling like seeing her. she simply brings joy to my life. really miss her a lot. haix. hmm. love her lots also. think i end here, i have nothing much to write le.

~ mIsSiNg yOu lOtSa. LoViNg yOu LiKe i aLwAys dO. ~

a story for my friend..

2004-11-04T15:21:00.000+08:00

this update think i will write the story i wrote in my 'O' levels on the topic, "Flight". there will be some part different because i will add extra stuff or missing somethings. it will be longer then before. haha. there goes.

.: Flight :.

Life is like a first flight. There are different stages to a flight. Just like it, life has different stages. In these stages, the problems we face onboard a plane is just like facing the tough times in our life, the obstacles we go through at the different points of our life.
To me, a flight has several stages from where it takes off, to where it lands and it seems to be like a person's life. There is a beginning to life, and also a ending to life. The first stage of a flight is the preparation done to get ready for take off. The planes are checked by the engineers. pilots and flight attendants. Passengers then get onboard the plane and the flight attendants would start by briefing all the passengers on the safety precautions just to get them ready in case of emergency while flying. It is just like us students upon entering primary schools. The teachers are like the flight attendants, but their briefings are teaching us and getting us prepared for Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE). The engineers are like the government, or rather the Ministry of Education (MOE). They set the plane ready and in place. Similarly, the MOE set in place an education system and schools that we go to. The control tower is very much like the government. They keep communications with the planes. And true enough, they do keep contact with schools with the assistance of the principal, just like the pilots updating the control tower every now and then. We move into another stage, just like students moving on to secondary schools after their PSLE examinations.
Next, it is the waiting for take-off. As we wait for the flight, we get ourselves settled down and relaxed. This is similar to us having to get ready for our 'O' levels examinations during our studying life in secondary schools. This would be the short period of time we all have to get ourselves ready for examinations through a lot of revisions and self study. When the time for take-off comes, some of us start to panic. It is a first time we take a flight and obviously we would have some normal fear over it. Its exactly like 'O' levels, where we start to have fear coming at us and time does not wait for us, just like a flight taking off at a fixed time.
The next step is the take-off. As usual, there may be problems occuring at this stage. It is similar to taking a paper where you have to choose a topic to do such as this paper or passing this examination. Though there may be some problems choosing, after choosing would mean a easier task . Just like when the problems are solved, the trip would turn out fine.
The next stage would be the flying journey. It is like us having to complete our examinations and moving on to our next phase of life, moving on to further studies, working, or even starting a family. Problems may still be occuring during this journey nad these problems are just like those we have in our life, love, money, family or even friends.
Landing. the final stage of the flight. It is like the retirement of life. We start to slow down in our work, getting ready for the landing into retirement. Thinking for our future, children's future and the life ahead. Life is like a flight, you need courage to take up a flight, courage to run in your life. You also need courage to complete the different stages of life, just like the students all having the courage to take up this examination.

~ EnD ~

wOoT. a hell lot different from the one i wrote during the exams. haha. never mind. think i stop here. need to update another one. haha.

another phase taken..

2004-11-03T20:38:00.000+08:00

hmm. 2dae had my english paper. i took a risk which was against all of the english teachers teaching the secondary 4s. i took up a topic that i was unfamiliar in, unpolished in. nonetheless, i felt the temptation and urge to write on that topic, flight. i don't know. perhaps it was that narrative question that made me took this risk. yet, i'm starting to feel the fear of getting a poor grade for writing something that our teachers have never taught us. we were told time and time again only to tackle narrative. argh! heck with it. it's over. i guess i can only wait for the results. hmm. english paper 2. can't say it is easy, neither can i say it is tough. hmm. physics, the paper we all thought to be easy. what a joke it was. we took the paper, only to realise that section b was tough. haha. all was more of describing and explaining. haha. hmm. quite happy today. because i could see her again and i could hold her hand. = ) haha. but i failed to give her something. haha. hmm. guess that's all bahx. hmm. think i may write out my story one day. haha. stop here then. cHeErios mAn!

~ mIsSiNg yA lOtSa. LoViNg Ya MoRe AnD mOrE eAcH dAy. mUaCkIex. =) ~

changing..

2004-11-03T20:36:00.000+08:00

hmm.. decided to change my blog's appearance.. hmm.. tink stil nt nice.. but i guess not much time for me.. perhaps after my o levels den i cum and finish up.. hmm..

New found hope..

2004-11-02T11:47:00.000+08:00

hmm.. 'O' levels for me has just began 2dae. i thought 'O' levels was always very hard. i guess today's paper make me feel rather prepared. haha. i guess it's because the paper was rather easy. though i can't assure myself that i can get a good grade for social studies, i know i done pretty well except for the source-based questions. haha. hmm. after the exams, we had a talk with joan. haha. it was rather enjoyable i guess. she told us a lot of things and about ava club. the club is going to change its location. haha. i think it's rather cool. haha. we can decorate the room and design it all by ourselves. yEa!! life sometimes brings about unexpected events. haha. hmm. now i'm alone at home. my mum and sister went to see the baby. oh well, actually, i'm not alone. they left me with the baby, roice. man. haha. never mind i guess. he's fast asleep. heard that he has diarrhoea. haha. hmm. you know, when i come online, the first thing that always crosses my mind is if i am able to see her online and talk to her. haha. everyday i bear this thought in mind. yet it has never come through, even until now man. haha. i guess life's like that. really hope to see my darling soon. miss her a lot man! haha. hmm. guess i stop here le. better take the opportunity to take a bath. haha. crap arh. i got stomachache nw. haha. ok la. stop here.

~ sTiL loViNg yOu aLwAyS. mIsSiNg dArLiNg LotSa. MuAcKiEx. =] ~

just for you..

2004-11-01T16:47:00.000+08:00

hmm. just back from my 'O' levels mother tongue papers. was rather easier than the mid-year one. ok la. my topic isn't about that. haha. ok. this write-up is just for u, my darling. hmm. just read your blog. haha. sorry about the whole incident. i didn't know it meant so much to you. you noe, it's not that i purposely want to hide my sad stuffs from you. i guess it was my instinct that told me to keep it from u. it's like i don't want you to be sad because it will make me even more sad. not only that, you are the one that is always to cheer me up with just your ways of words. you are the only one that brings so much joy and happiness to my life. i don't want you to be sad because i know it will be hard for you to be happy again. i guess that was why i kept it from u. hmm. guess i still can't hide it from u. haha. nevermind about the whole incident i guess. you don't have to apologise to me. like i told u before, it's ok. ^_^ haha. ok. next time when i feel sad i will tell you ok? the same goes for you. must tell me how you feel wor. don't make me worry too much ok? haha. hmm. i just realised something. haha. it seems to me you are the one that loves me so deep. as compared to the others, u love me even more and i want to thank you for that. i really appreciate the love you shower me. hope the love i shower you with is enough. heEx. thanks for being there for me. i will also be there for you. =) hmm. guess its time for me to stop here le. need to revise for my social studies once more. cHeErios dArLiNg.

~ miSsIng My dArLiNg LotSa. LoViNg yOu LotSa. mUaCkiEx. = ) ~

boring day..

2004-10-31T13:37:00.000+08:00

2dae is a sunday, 31st October 2004. Time really flies. Tomorrow is the start of 'O' Levels examinations. The 3 weeks we have been waiting for is now right in front of us. Tomorrow is mother tongue paper 1 and 2. Feels so strange having to take this national exams for the first time. Guess i still don't really have the mood to study now. Perhaps i'm still a bit affected by the events that happened yesterday and the day before. i don't know if i'm geared up for this exams. The exams i never thought to be fearful now made me feel scared. I can't give up now, at least not when i have come this far. I'm sure my friends are cheering me on, and i too will cheer them on. Yet, i guess the most motivating cheer would be from her. Though there were sadness in our conversation, there were still some happiness and cheerfulness. I guess she now plays a very important role in my life. She is my pillar of support. I don't wish to lose this pillar. Though part of the sadness from yesterday still lingers in me, i am happy. Because she cares a lot for me, loves me very much. I hope to do the same for her. Life with her for the past few weeks have been great, joyful and happy as compared to the life when she hasn't entered my life. I will cherish and treasure her no matter what. = )

~ Loving u always, missing u greatly. ~

feeling i cannot describe..

2004-10-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

2dae was rather a sad day. I accompanied her to school. I tried to act cheerful in front of her. Guess i managed to slipped pass with my actings. However, i can't help but to feel sad. Even until now, i'm still sad. I wanted her company, at least to make me feel better. I wasn't able to get to send her home though. On my way home, i felt like crying out. At least to get the uneasy feeling deep down out from within me. i didn't. i was scared to cry in front of so many people. As i walked home, i really wished her to be with me at that very moment. Guess i'm just being foolish. I didn't told her how sad i was yesterday because i didn't want to affect my mood. Even untl now, i don't even know if i should tell her. now, i feel so lonely. There isn't anyone who can know what i'm feeling. Perhaps i am meant to be alone. I don't want to hurt her feelings though. I promised her that i wouldn't make her sad. I guess that was why i never told her my sad stuffs. I really feel like crying now. This feeling seem so familiar yet i don't know how to describe it. I guess no one will know how i feel. Guess i will just have to keep everything to myself. At least that wouldn't hurt anyone in the process. i wonder, i really wonder, what will happen next. haix. i don't have the slightest clue to what i should be doing now. Guess this is my feeling of despair. A feeling that has been always bringing me down, drawing me away from others. Xin, i really need you by my side. I guess you are my only pillar of support that is present, at least for now.

~ Lost once again. Even more helpless than before. Devastated. ~

life once again..

2004-10-18T19:52:00.000+08:00

life been changing rapidly and i have been repeating this sentence. "life has been changing.. ". Perhaps a drastic change. Perhaps a minor one. Who knows? Nobody knows me thoroughly. Not even my close friends. Not even Crusaders4. Everything i do, i ponder. No matter what, there are always consequences awaiting me. Life has been tough for me, but i have been holding on for the past few years. There are things i have done wrong, done right, or even left undone. All these changed me. No matter how hard i think, life has already gone a step ahead of me, in which i can hardly keep up with. I may not look tired, but my mind is already exhausted. Even up till now, i am holding on for a simple reason, the final lap. Time flies fast. Before i know it, it's already 4 years down the road. Few weeks back, i met her. Yet, through this period, i met with troulbes and so did she. Now she is my girlfriend. I will treasure her, though i may have been hated by her ex-boyfriend. I heard from my friend that he told her that she told him that i asked her to be my girlfriend. I do not know the truth, but i guess i wil jus take the blame. Blame it on me that i asked her to be my girlfriend. Blame me for lying to my friend. Blame it on me that i broke them up. What has happened has already happened, i can't possibly turn time back to that period. No matter what others think of me, treat me, feel about me, this is me. I can't change in a fortnight's time. Whatever is going to happen and i will gladly accept them as they cum my way. Through this period of time, i hope to find back the real me, te one that i have lost since secondary 3.

* Searching. Seeking. Holding on. Cherishing. Treasuring. *

life.. another weird feeling to share..

2004-10-13T20:27:00.000+08:00

life nw has definitely changed.. on my way home 2dae.. i tot abt my life.. whr was e "i" that i used to be.. whr is e new me tt i wanna b.. life has changed.. im no longer who i used to b.. no longer able to search for hu i wana b.. i pondered n pondered.. what was all this i was goin thru..? a family tt nv regarded me as one.. a family tt hurt me thoroughly.. a family tt took me for granted.. lyk a maid to serve dem all.. it hurts..even to tink abt it.. time n time again.. i dread to return home.. having to face all e probs nw present at my home.. even so.. even life in sch is bad for me.. my class my frenx.. my class..? its a hell of a class.. one tt isnt united as we tink as.. tings in our class is a mess.. and wil b oways messy.. class tshirt designs.. teachers day performance.. even nw..e video for e grad assembly.. wats wrong wif e class man..? i reali getting to hate more den half of e ppl in our class.. their minds r oreadi on diff lvls.. even more being united.. wat kind of class is tis..? reali hopeless.. my frenx..? my classmates.. al dey noe is make fun.. dey don een care abt others feelings at times.. it hurts to haf frenx teasing u.. irritating u.. agitating u.. even so.. a fren tt has been wif me for four years.. four years.. nw seem so diff den b4.. in e past.. i used to b able to tok anyting n everyting wif him.. nw.. even if i hav probs or troubles.. i hesitate to tel him.. y..? bcos of his strong-headedness.. b4 i cud finish wat i sae.. he is oreadi arguing wif me over e topic.. u noe.. i wished he cud jus hear me out b4 jumping to his conclusion.. arguing out his pt.. i jus need sumone to listen to my weeping heart.. sumone hu can lend a listening ear to me.. sharing my woes.. nt arguing wif me wen im down.. life nw is of a diff path.. ever since i stepped on tis path.. e surrounding is oreadi starting to change.. changing each time.. n wif each time.. a seemingly whole new environment for me.. i haf been trying hard to attempt to adapt to e changes.. but tis changes cum too fast.. go too fast.. i can no longer catch up.. im reali tired.. feel lyk collapsing nw.. i haf oreadi lost my half of my pillars of support.. how mani m i gonna lose again..? wat mus b done to change all tis..? tired.. reali tired.. lost in a known world yet seemingly unknown n unfamiliar to me.. haix..

*crushed almost thoroughly.. trying to hold on.. *

life..

2004-10-03T19:21:00.000+08:00

tings haf definitely changed alot for me.. frm the time i took a step into my new sch.. secondary sch.. it seems to me that time flies fster den i haf expected.. its lyk a blink of an eye and this this whr i m nw.. a secondary 4 student.. taking O levels 2dae.. wishing tt time wudnt haf passed so fast.. within tis long yet seemingly short yrs.. i guess i haf changed.. bcuming sumone diff frm frm who i was in primary sch.. guess tis is wat we call growing up bahx.. during these yrs.. there were ups and downs.. joys n pains.. it seems to me tt i am dwelling on e past.. hoping tt e past wud stil b there.. letting me stand back in time.. feelig all tis again.. haha.. but i guess all tis is rather naive to sum.. nevertheless.. e past wil b cum fond memories for me.. b it gd or bad.. they help me grow to who i m nw.. life frm tt period until nw.. its reali unpredictable.. wat wil happen next i do not noe.. but theres one ting i wud sae to myself, even to others.. u nv noe wats gonna happen next.. so live for e moment.. do all u can..bring meaning to ur life.. even to those around u.. take everyting easy.. accept wat u face.. cos no matter how u struggle.. e facts stil lies rite in front of u.. cheerios..

+ eNd +

in luv once again..?

2004-10-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

it has happened again.. guess i cant help but let it happen again i guess.. guess im lyking sumone nw.. but it shld b said as a one-sided luv i guess.. cos e ger doesnt lyk me.. hmm.. feeling slpy as im updating tis blog.. *yAwN* hmm.. guess i didnt realise it until few wks back..or in fact abt a month ago.. haha.. luv jus keeps cuming at me i guess.. as i walked home 2dae.. my mind started tinkin.. has luv been gd or bad to me..? are my disgraceful results caused by tis luv affairs..? i tot n tot.. i wasnt sure of e ans.. i dono wat affected.. wat helped me.. all i noe is.. my grades are dropping.. nt just dropping.. but falling at a fast rate.. i guess i nid to work much much more harder den ever.. o levels drawing near.. a months time.. nt too long.. nt too short.. just enuf for me to realise e impt of time.. haha.. jus realised i drift further n further away frm my intended topic.. hmm.. dono y.. deep down in my heart.. i wish e ger wud lyk me.. guess it wun happen de bahx.. she has a stead.. her own life.. her own perceptions.. her views.. im jus a casual boi.. looking for luv.. i guess.. hoping tings wud nw change for e better for e rest of my days to o levels.. guess i stop here le.. tired..eyes are slowly closing.. stop her le..

~ eNd ~

to someone special..

2004-09-23T17:59:00.000+08:00

alrite.. tis is for a special sumone.. one tt has been with me since p3.. spending his teenage life together wif me.. being in e same secondary sch.. thou nw nt same class anymore.. we r stil close frenx.. tt person is none other den ys of cuz.. he's been a great fren for all tis yrs.. one tt wud bring life into us.. instill joy n happiness in us.. he has oways representing e soul of Crusaders4..tis is specially for u, ys...

.:. you .:.

joy u brought..
happiness u gave..
we all received wif honour..
ur selflessness gave us alot..
ability to look on bright sides when we were down..
ability to cheer one another..
all these were frm you..
and only u cud giv these to us..
at times we play, we joke..
none of dem were meant to hurt..
all were for fun n joy..
sources of brightening e dae..
troubles cum..
u help us..
we thk u for tt..
when troubles strike u..
don hide, tell us..
we wil help u with all we can..
in wateva ways we can..
nt hesitating..
deep down inside..
u r a gd man..
a gd fren tt anyone wud wan..
a buddy one wud nid..
as i look at u 2dae..
i c a face tt im no longer familiar wif..
one dat starts to dwell inside of imself oni..
hiding his true feelings frm others..
a face tt lock up all his other emotions..
leaving on his face oni a feeling we wud oways see him..
yet a feeling so fake..
fake tt i choose to ignore it..
sincere apologies i wanna sae..
to b ur pillar i wud gladly choose..
to help u..
to giv u endless support n hope..
i gladly sae..
u haf my utmost support..

~ dude..cheerios..b there for u whenever u nid..jus a fone away.. ~

disappointment strucked me again..

2004-09-23T17:22:00.000+08:00

disappointment.. nt a big word.. yet a strong feel within.. it was brought to me again and again.. you may tink its sum probs again.. buts it nt.. its my grades tis time.. great disappointment it really brought me.. e maths.. one of e subjects tt i was gd at.. nw..? no longer it is.. guess i took my ability and knowledge of e maths for granted.. nv took e maths veri seriously i guess.. whenever there's tests and exams.. i nv reali studied well enuf.. nv put in much effort i guess.. but also.. it was my carelessness tt caused me my grades.. a fall frm A1 to C6.. wat a drop.. 5 grades.. guess i nid to buck up nw.. cant slack le.. nid pull up my socks.. push myself endlessly.. until e Os r over.. another was my mother tongue.. tot i cud get an A2.. yet i gt a B4.. it was rather disappointing.. seeing most of my frenx getting higher den me.. looking at my grades makes me feel rather inferior.. guess i cant take my subjects nw as they are.. i reali nid to buck up man.. stop here.. nid update one more for someone special..

cheerios - sick guy

deepest regrets..

2004-09-19T21:25:00.000+08:00

things for me for the past few weeks or so has been evolving.. somethings are beyond my control.. and i don't know what to do now.. guess it's been messy all together.. i regretted for many of the things i have done.. haix.. feeling so sad now.. i know it's no use feeling guilty and regretful about things now.. now and for the next few months.. i guess only studies are iin my mind.. definitely not her.. because of her stupid incoming messenges i feel so pissed.. that i'm actually starting to hate her.. though i told myself not to bear grudges against anyone.. guess i have failed.. but it's not surprising though.. cos' no man is perfect.. we are created with strengths and weaknesses to become perfect.. haix.. hate myself being in this world.. dread my existence.. guess i'm getting trapped in my own world.. trying to break free.. yet i need help from others.. but not her.. the more she wants to try to help me.. the deeper i fall into the centre of my illusionary world.. not only to fight to get out of the world.. but to fight for survival against others.. the problems that overwhelmes me.. like a dwarf trying to fight against a cast of giants.. guess i stop here.. simply moodless to continue..

^ waiting for someone to help me.. ^

the second pillar of my life... collapsed...

2004-09-07T20:28:00.000+08:00

hurt... its all i haf been feeling for e past few weeks...even months...i dono...i heard many stories...many rumours...yet i dono whether to believe them...its all abt her...first time i heard e rumours...i felt doubtful...second time even more doubtful...third time...haix...devastation has struck me by this third time...i can no longer tink clearly...i can no longer b myself...i can no longer take things as they r as...nw i haf this fear...a fear tt haunts me every now n then...i can no longer trust my self...trust her as before...i can oni feel tears trying to urge out...but to no avail...she made me nw feel lyk an idiot...one tt has been cheated by her...feelings tortured by her...no longer being e same feelings as i can feel lyk before...yet...for all she has done to me...i cant bring myself to blame her...all i can blame is myself...if i wasnt such a fool back then...perhaps all tis wudnt happen...i can oni sae in regret tt i haf no choice but to give up hope on her...for me...life is nw goin to a trance tt im trying my best to adapt...yet tis devastation took me aback...haix...hurt...painful i feel...yet i can nv tel anyone how exactly i feel..

* hurt... badly den anyting... wishing i was nv born... nv existed... *

suppressed by saddness... utmost saddness...

2004-09-07T20:06:00.001+08:00

been a distant time since i last touch tis blog.. yet.. within tis short time.. alot has happened..

My life has faced yet another stage of revolution,
One that makes me ponder,
One that makes me different from before.
News of devastation flew in,
Different as they may seem to be,
Yet they brought the same feeling to me,
A feeling that i have always tried my best to avoid.
No matter how hard i try,
How hard i fought,
Things now have gone to a new level,
Things now no longer seem recognisable.
A big change has occurred,
Emotions coming on top of me,
Confining me.
Everything that was in the past,
That was within my control and reach,
Now has made its stand and fought back.
I lost touch of everything,
Lost in a world that manipulates me now,
Among many familiar faces which turned unseemingly stranger-type.
Already struggling in this strange world,
My hopes and pillars of support,
One by one,
Are collapsing.
Two important pillars have let me down.
Now life for me is too far for me to reach out to,
Hold on to and carry on as normal.
In front of my friends,
I have to pretend that i am fine,
Which in fact i am not.
Tired being this world of a different feelings,
Different thinkings,
Different attitudes.
Wishing things can be back as previous,
Yet the path i came from has now faded,
Leaving me a path that i'm unsure of.

~ Wishing to turn back time ~

bcumin part of my life...findin e true meanings...

2004-08-04T21:14:00.000+08:00

haha...forgot wat font i haf been using for tis blog man...haha...nvm i guess...haha...hmm...haven updated tis blog for a long time i guess...haha...nt tt i didnt haf e inspirations...thou tts one of e reasons...i didnt haf much time to do so...hmm...been busy lately...if u read my other blog u will find out y...hmm...ok...looking at 2dae's topic...hmm...interesting izzit...?haha...ok...once again...its abt my life...n oni my life i guess...hmm...ok...sumting occured recently...yet it has nv occured to me in e past...to e feelers tt held on to me...or rather...i held on to sub-consciously...i guess...hmm...cum to tink of wat joan told me...i realised alot...i guess nw e three person or shld i sae gers...nw bcum a part of my life...nt tt dey reflect on wat type of person i m...thou it may b...dey let me realise sumtings...allowed me to learn alot...all abt life i guess...hmm...

e first person...hmm...she let me realised e power of love n sumwat abit of wat we humans call affinity...yet all tis r short i had to admit...hmm...she was my first stead...hmm...one tt i love so much...one i guess i stil love abit abt...haha...knowing tt it wil nv happen again...i saw wat has happened beyond all tis...i realised how much love can make us do...love sumtimes is lyk a man...n we...we r dolls or rather wat kids call puppets...hmm...man control e puppets to allow or make dem move around lively...in similarity...love has e ability to manipulate us...even if we may nt noe abt it...haha...tts e power of love man...hmm...there was a pt of time when i went out wif jo...it didnt cross my mind tt i wud meet her on e bus home...but i knew tt she was at orchard wif her family while i was out wif jo at plaza sing i tink...hmm...den we took e bus 190 home...it was really veri funnie...it was lyk i sat down on a seat...den aft tt she boarded e same bus as i had...but i didnt realise until she stood quite near as to whr i was sitting...den i saw her...den there goes my heart...it stopped for awhile jus rite b4 it beat quickly...den my face slightly turned red...den we smiled at each other...haha...cum to tink of it...i wud rather call tis e power of coincidence...haha...

e second person...hmm...she made me realise sumting diff...thou she may haf taught me e power of love too...wat she made me learn was even more den jus purely lovin...hmm...she made me understand e power of happiness one can haf when dey r wif their loved ones...but i guess i can oni sae to a certain extent as to wat she allows me to understand as there mayb a diff way to find happiness...or to get happiness...hmm...spendin quality time wif her...tt reali made me hapi n her too...hmm...she let me haf a taste of true happiness n joyous fun...yet she on e other hand...oso made me realise e strength of words n how hurtful wildfulness can cause...cos i broke her heart...urt her feelings time n time again...haix...it was e foolishness of me tt made me pay e price...a heavy price...price tt caused me to feel numb...numb abt crying...nt totally but at least half of wat it seems to b...hmm...i guess she oso made me realise e feel of regret frm tis incident...but anyway i guess tis relationship wudnt last long...hmm...

last person...hmm...tis i guess wud b e shortest relationship i ever haf...i broke her heart...she made me realise how gers can cause guys to suffer...nt physically...but mentally...gers haf strong emotions tt can cause pressurization to guys...i been thru it b4...i noe its devastatin man...in e end i cudnt handle e pressure...i was forced to break wif her...but she made me realise e feel of hapiness aft broken relationship...she gt into a relationship faster den i cud count e clouds in e sky...haha...crap...but ya...guess she's happier nw...n so m i...thou there were misunderstandings abt tis incident in e past...but nw its ok le bahx...hmm...

nw i haf my own targets n goals readi in mind...its time to let go of those feelers i haf been holdin on to...if i continue to hold on...i can nv make itin regards to fulfilling my targets, goals n dreams...yEaH mAn!! its time to work hard...hmm...gt to get back to e script...n e class tee design...tis is busy man signin off...dude...

= EnD =

myself...

2004-07-30T20:58:00.000+08:00

myself...?hmm...everyone is unique in every way...hmm...wat abt me is unique...?haha...tt i dono...hmm...i heard tt mani ppl tot i hua xin or wat ppl wud sae...playboi/flirt...hmm...obviously...i cant change a person's views n impression on me rite...? it takes lotsa effort to chagne jus tt...hmm...sum ppl sae im hua xin...sum may nt...but...who is rite...?who is wrong...?to me...i can oni tel u a person's character by observation...yet i cant judge n confirm tt e person wil b liddat...cos u nv noe...my interpretations may b proven wrong by others...hmm...if ppl wana tink tt i hua xin...c one go aft one...den i cant change their views abt me...but theres sumting i can sae...tt is...if u ppl wana jugde me as wat u tink i m...den let it b...im jus hu i m...no one can change tt...no one can deny it...all tis...i can choose whether it wil affect me ornt thru my tinkin...if i tink tt it wil haf a negative impact...it wil b...if its a positive...it shall b...its all in e tinkin...sub-conscious ornt...haha...guess i don haf much to write abt le...jus tt i believe hu i m...no one is strogn enuf to influence me...

~ e N d ~

sorting tings out...

2004-07-29T19:35:00.000+08:00

been a while since i updated tis blog...guess i didnt haf e mood nor inspiration or time for tis...hmm...sumone tok to me a few days ago...hmm...it was rather an interesting tok...hmm...i learnt quite alot...hmm...i guess i nw can let go of e feelings or wat so eva tt was holdin me back all tis while...hmm...all my ex...dey r actuali part of my life...dey allow me to develop into a betta person...dey gav me memories tt i wil bear in my mind...thou these memories r both gd n bad...i wil stil rem dem...as dey shall b e very source tt wil urge me forwards towards greater heights...n nv to dwell on e past so much...wat has happened has happened and can nv happen in any other way...i guess...hmm...dey wil b part of my life...i guess...frm tis point on...i shall let go wat i shld haf a long time ago n move on wif life...no matter wat happens...ppl stil haf to move on wif life rite...?tis shall b whr i start...no matter how long e journey may seem...i shall press on...i shall take everyting tt stands in my very path as a way to motivate myself...to allow myself to understand me myself betta n betta...frm tis pt on...tings shall change...im gonna overcome wateva cums my way...come wat may!!yEaH mAn!!LiFe RoX!!

+ thkx for ur words man... thkx alot... = ) +

= EnD =

haix...

2004-07-26T21:12:00.000+08:00

been nearly a wk since i last updated tis blog i guess...haix...dono y i feel so diff...lyk as if im changing...yet im nt even sure of wat is happening to me...haix...it hurts deep rite in my heart...argh!!feel lyk crying man...haix...yet i fail to do so...guess i reali can do it unless im feeling reali sad...grief...haix...as i enter age of 16...tings seem to turn diff nw...wat happen in e past wil nv carry on...it has ended...sadness fill me up deeply as i tink of e past...haix...perhaps...i cant let go of e past...perhaps...im reali changin...but if im changing...m i changing for e better...?or for e worst...?man...im nt even sure wat im feeling nw exactly...all i noe is there is a mixture of feelings deep down...no mere words can explain it...no mere actions can justify...no mere understanding can aid...haix...i feel so lost...lost in a world of confusin light n darkness...i wana break free...yet it seems tt i cant...it seems to b beyond my mere ability...mayb im incapable...mayb i haf to go thru tis...but i wish tt it can stop...i feel so crushed...so insecure nw...wondering wat wil happen to me...i wana reach out to ppl...yet it oways seem to go e other way...when i wana tel ppl my true feels...it seems tt i oways show tt im carefree...no wuris...no troubles...no problems...no nth...argh...!!it hurts...it reali hurts...it hurts more den anyting...yet...there's nv a person hu i can share my complete feels to...i feel so empty...lost...lonely...i wish she can b there for me...but i guess its impossible at tis stage...i wish i can get out of cckss asap...i don wish to c all my exs...it hurts...it brings back memories...but it oways hurt at e end...y mus i b tortured liddat...?thou i may help mani ppl solve their problems...their sadness...but tt doesnt mean i don haf troubles of my own...i live life lyk a normal person wud...wat makes me diff is my feelings...it keeps playing tricks on me...i dono how long i can take tis...soon i wil break down...until i cant even get back up again...its hard...hard for me...i feel lyk im a two-headed snake...in sch i look cheerful n hapi...but deep down i feel so stupid...so crushed...so sad...so defeated...wish i had a betta life den tis...im lyk an angel...an angel hu completely lost its ability to fly...fallen into a dark pit...deeper den anyting in e world...hurt...trying to get out...yet it seems useless...ARGH!!!cant take much more...!!

= eNd =

promises...

2004-07-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i haf updated tis blog...its nt tt im lazi to update...its jus tt i cant seem to find an appropriate topic to write abt...hmm...7 days it has been...thou it was long...but it felt short...time reali flies...hmm...ok...2dae's topic shall b promises...hmm...jus tot abt it...haha...anyway...nid to thkx my mei, shiya for helpin me tink of a topic...hmm...thou i nv use...hEhEx...hmm...back to e topic...

promises...its wat we oways do to others...promises r wat we make...but how mani do we make...?how mani do we break...?n how mani did we actuali fulfil...?promises to everyone of us r easy to make...yet to sum of us...it seems hard to keep...i too make n break promises lyk anyone wud...to me...promises reali r easy to make...yet...when it cums to keepin e promises...it seems much more harder...hmm...wudnt u feel e same...?promises r sumting tt can tel one's characters in a way or another...hmm...so...next time b4 u make a promise...twice first...tink abt whether u r able to keep tt promise...n nt break e promise...

= EnD =

a feeling of sadness...?cant do it anymore...

2004-07-13T20:15:00.000+08:00

ahx...a saddening feel as i reached home...as i recap e scenes i saw earlier in school...sadness seemed to pierce me deeper each time...haix...seein her wif my junior hj...i feel an ache in my heart...it seems tt nw i can no longer hide it...keepin it deep in my heart...my heart cant take it...neither can i...tears i wana chase out of my eyes...yet i can nv do tt once more...it hurts me even more when i tink abt it...haix...seein her wif hj...she seems hapi...yet...haix...i dono how to tel...express...haix...i cant sae e feelin i haf is jealousy...it isnt...haix...i feel abit hurt...i dono y...i feel lyk letting tears flow...yet...i can no more...haix...

= LoVe HuRtS aT tImEs... n It HuRtS aLoT...AlOt... =

memories back again... haix...

2004-07-12T19:24:00.000+08:00

hmm...job of peacemakin has finally cum to an end...at least tt is wat i tink...hopefully it is...another dae of weirdness came crushing down onto me...listenin to a perfect song at tis perfect time...writin tis topic once again...thou i may dread to touch tis topic again...memories stil cum back to me...jus lyk a boomerang...once its thrown...it wil stil cum back to u eventually...e memories make me wonder...hu do i lyk nw...?r e feelings genuine...?or its jus a cover up...?yet a cover up for wat...?its a mystical feeling...u understand as u feel...u cant describe...perhaps im nt gd at words tt i cant express wat im feeling...saw all my ex 2dae...i cant se e feeling is mutual...yet...neither can i sae tt its empty...it is sumting...a feelin tt sumhow i seemed to possessed in e past...during e veri past whr i shared my times wif dem...perhaps its me or perhaps its nt...in e past...if these memories came back to me...i wud nah broken down into tears...but nw...i cant...e tears wun cum out anymore...e teary eyes are gone for nw...when dey wud return...tt...i wudnt noe...i oni noe tt e glance straight into their very eyes...it seems to bring me back to e past...e times i had wif dem...e tings i done wif dem...all tt jus came back to me...i dono y...yet...its a sudden n short flashback...wodering if my mind is laggin on me...it seems so long le...yet...i cant stop these flashbacks...no i cant...perhaps its my incapability...i dono...oways aft these memories came back to me...saddness seems to dawn down on me...suffocating me...makin me feel horrible...yet...e veri presence of her helped me to alleivate e pain...everytime i c her...i wished i cud follow her whr ever she goes...yet...i feel restrictions in my mind, heart n body...how i wish i can reach out to her one dae n hold her hands in my veri own...yet...so far away e day seems to be...haix...hoping is e least i can do...trying my best is e most i can do...holdin on to e dream of havin her by my side is e veri ting i haf been doin...

~ LoVe Is TrUeLy A cOmPlIcAtEd ThInG...
~ iTs HaRd 2 fInD, hArD tO sEeK...
~ ItS hArD 2 TrEaSuRe, HaRd 2 cHeRiSh...

frenx n friendships...

2004-07-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

hmm...a few daes nv update le...hmm...cos i din haf a topic nor e inspiration to write...hmm...cum to tik of it nw...i haf a topic to write...hmm...yet...it seems to b a vast n tough topic to tackle...its hard to define...hard to tell...hard to tok abt...yet...i wil stil tok abt tis topic...but nt e whole topic...i wud jus focus on e friendship present in Crusaders4...hmm...2dae's topic shall b dedicated to my budz...ys...jo...n yl...tis is for u guyz...

.:. yL .:.
frenx...true as it may b...frenx r hard to find...we had a gd n strong friendship...at least tt was wat we tot it 2 b...yet...sumting occured...to sae it was a devastation...it seems to b too much a strong word...but stil it caused an invisible barrier nw to b visible...e feelin wif tis barrier isnt gd...its lyk a stumbling block has been thrown between us...no matter how hard to try to overcum...there wud oways b a new stumbling block appearin once again...these has made us drift further apart den we realised...we tried our best to treasure e friendship between each of us...yet...oni our friendship wif u seem nt to work sum way or another...its even disappointin n saddenin when we found out tt u din treasured e friendship we had...i may nt noe how u wud feel abt tis...but to us...its lyk one of our pillars in life had turned out jus to b mere stones...collasped...causin an unstability in our life...ever since i gain to noe abt all tis...tt u treated us lyk stones or vice versa...i nw reali feel e distance b/w us...i wana draw near...yet...there is restrictions disallowin my moves...i dono wat else to sae...nw i can refeel e same as i did when i was during lower sec...

+ dIsApPoInTmEnT bRoUgHt Us EvEn FuRtHeR dEn U n I mAy FeEl +

.:. jO .:.
frenx we haf been for e past few yrs...in e same area we r livin...been thru alot we haf...shared common interests we may haf...yet...e prob nw seems to draw a line distinctively b/w u n me...i realised tt e jo i knew fe yrs back nw seemed diff frm e one i nw acknowledge...nw tings for us r diff...thou we may share similar interests...we stil faced clashes of tinkin n actions...attitudes n behaviours...i may sumhow noe wat u r feelin nw...yet...but i can nv truely understand n feel e exact same way as u may feel...it seems lyk e ast few yrs of friendship seem to b breakin into fragments...but theres nth much i can do abt it...sad as i may feel...disappointed as i too feel...i stil noe tt u r my fren...one hu stood y me whenever i needed ur help...thkx for all tt u done for me...i too nw...my heart is weeping in silence...

^ sAdDeNiNg ThAt A fEw YeArS oF fRiEnDsHiP cAn FaCe DeStRuCtIoN wHeN a SmAlL pRoBlEm OcCuRs ^

.:. yS .:.
enterin sch...as i felt e atmosphere...i bring my vision onto grps of ppl together...ideas n such flow thru my mind...a sudden urge of feeling dawned upon me...i cudnt describe tis feelin...hmm...known u since pri 3...fated we seemed to b...as classmates...as frenx...in both pri n sec sch...yet...there wasnt much clashes between us two...at least tt wat i c...we share common tings...true as it may seem...we r nt as close as we r as compared to jo n yl...yet...our friendship to me seems to b e most stable...but i do not noe wat u may feel abt so...stil...deep down in my heart u r my fren...nt a best fren...but as least a true fren...a gd fren...

* dIfFeReNcEs R wAt ThAt R dRaWInG uS aPaRt *

friendships r hard to keep n too...hard to find...yet...we haf many frenx in life...which r true frenx tt stand by u everytime u r down...?care for u when u get hurt...?assist u when u nid help...?its hard to differentiate true frenx frm mere frenx...sumtimes...i feel...onto e path of loneliness is better den havin frenx whr conflicts n all keep cumin ur way...life is difficult...we learn as we live...yet...there r alot of tings...tt can change us frm gd to better or frm gd to worse...n tis changes can follow us till e end...haix...sad n disappointed i may feel abt tis friendship...e very much i wana fix it...

~ cRuShEd BeNeAtH e StUmBlInG bLoCkS, StRuGgLiNg 2 gEt OuT oF iT aS sOoN aS pOsSiBlE ~

memories once again...

2004-07-07T18:11:00.000+08:00

hmm...2dae...another weird dae for me...hmm...memories flashbacks happenin again...haix...hmm...tot at my ex again...hmm...tis time nt e same ex...budden e second one...hmm...i dono if its weird or im weird...all tis memories jus keep cumin...hmm...i sat on e chair...jus as i closed my eyes as i await my turn for e oral exams...memories of her started to leak out frm e back of my mind...hmm...when it was my tur...tis memories were drawn back...yet...aft i came out n went to look for my frenx...e memories...tis time...started to flow again n again...hmm...i felt hapiness wif in...yet...an urge of sadness came over me when i was pulled back to reality...hmm...den i went ot look for my frenx...i sat wif dem...tok abit...den one of my frenx showed another fren how to fold a heart wif straws...hmm...tis too...brought me back to e time i had wif her...e time when she taught me how to fold e exact heart usin straws...i suddenli felt strange...there seems to b a feelin tellin me tt i wan her back...yet...there is a part in me fightin against it...hmm...i noe i can nv b wif her again...tts is assured...nt jus by me...but oso by her...haix...nvm bahx...aft all...its all in e past anymore...hmm...haix...but theres sumting tt can nv change bahx...at least for nw...i can no longer cry...no matter how much sadness these memories bring upon me...i can nv cry...no longer can...i can oni bear e stab of pain...haix...nw...i oni wan her...nt my exs...cos nw...i oni lyk her...moreover...i can nv b wif dem again...hmm...perhaps im tinkin too much...hmm...nw her is e one i luv...e one i lyk...e one i care for...e one i wana b wif no matter wat may happens...hmm...

= End =

dreams...

2004-07-06T18:12:00.000+08:00

hmm...tis topic i anyhow tot of de...so it may nt b as well written as e other entries thou...hmm...everyone living in existence have their dreams...b it small...or big...hmm...it is stil a dream no matter wat...yeah...no matter how big or small ur dream may b...whe n u fulfil dem...u wil noe tt dey help u...in a way or so...hmm...dreams r oso sorta a motivation for ppl...when ppl haf dreams...dey wud try hard to go aft e dreams...rite...?havin these dreams...ppl work harder n harder...e determination behind all tis is e drive tt sends ppl to work hard to fulfil their dreams...tts e power of dreams...a bomb tt ignite e forceful drive restin deep in our veri souls...when tt veri bomb erupts...e drive sends us energy n will to complete n fulfil our dreams...frm e beginning...frm whr we took off...till e very end...nt oni so...we oso nid to b determined...n order to go further...do not...underestimate e power of having dreams living inside of us...

= enD =

life n death...

2004-07-05T22:06:00.000+08:00

hmm...life n death...its sumting tt has an impact on us...in a way or another...hmm...we r born to exist...n we oso cease to exist...life is reali unpredictable...hmm...heard frm my fren tt her fren passed away due to cancer few hours back...my mei de grandmother oso passed away few weeks back...hmm... life is reali unpredictable...there is a thin line tt draws between life n death...we r all on e side of life...yet...a small ting can simply cause us to cross over to e other side...n lose our life jus liddat...hmm...yl told me tis...e sunset is sumhow similar to tt of a dying person...hmm...true thou...hmm...sunset is oni for a while den it fades...hmm...jus lyk e life of a dying person...aft sum time...it wil fade...n e person wil cease to exist...hmm...e sunset is beautiful...it oso sumhow reflects e life of a dying person...when u r drawin near to ur limited days...u wud wana live ur life meaningfully n to its fullest wudnt u...?tis wud den make u realise how beautiful life can turn out to b...hmm...tts y...life is amazing...at diff stages in life...we can compare dem to verious tings happenin around us...b it gd...or b it bad...it can stil reflects e diff types n stages of life happenin in e world...

= eNd =

waiting...

2004-07-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

hmm...another day yawning weekend appearsrite b4 me...i find myself abit weird...hmm...2dae morning...when i woke up...e first ting tt came suddenli to my mind was her...den i jus spent my time unwisely...i din noe wat 2 do...sittin infront of e com...it reminded me tt i haf been sittin in fornt of e com these past few days...jus hopin tt i cud at least haf a tok wif her...yet...it has been disappointment pouring down on me thou...i haven seen her online for e past few days le...i dono y...i feel lyk callin her...yet there seems to b restrictions in my very mind...hmm...guess im stil sittin here waiting for her appearance lyk a foolish boi...haf these few days of waiting reali gonna go down e drain...?hmm...in a few hours time...i wud nt b home...haix...mizzin her too much...nth nw can remove her frm my thoughts...my mind is oni filled wif tings abt her...haix... *huiyu... i luv u...*

= EnD =

memories again...

2004-07-03T16:13:00.001+08:00

weird day it seems 2 me 2dae...e memories stil render in my mind...images of her keep flashin at times...her cute face...her captivatin smile...her kind gesture...her simple words...her concern...her everyting...nw it seems lyk as if she is a perfect ger...e same old images keep flashin back...e image of her yest reachin her hands out to me...it made me feel lyk as if i was transported back in time to when i luved her...tis memories...thou simple...yet lasting...it made me realise how much i loved n cared for her...nw i noe...yet...its all in e past...she seems hapier nw than then...perhaps bahx...hu noes...i noe i loved her once...n deeply...even if u ask me nw...i can tel u tis...i once loved her deep n treasured her...haha...yet it all came to an end faster den i had expected...but i enjoyed e time i had wif her thou...it was fun...she was e first stead of mine...she was e first hu knew me more den any other wud...she was e first tt heard me cried...she was e first hu wud b there 4 me...she was e first hu cud understand how i truely feel...she was e first hu i cud share my happiness n all wif...yet...she was e first to leave a scar deep down in my heart...she was e first i loved deeply...stil...i luv her...nt as in e past anymore...but as a fren...as a mei...

= end =

memories...

2004-07-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

hmm...2dae i saw two of my ex...hmm...memories of e past 2dae kept passing thru my mind...its been quite a while ever since all these memories flashed across my mind thou...hmm...i dono y...my ex in e same cca as me...den 2dae we had e farewell party for e sec4s...hmm...i find it veri weird...hmm...e more i look at her...e more e memories start to flash in my mind...hmm...most of dem were gd memories...budden e more i tink e saddenin memories start takin up e spaces in my mind...hmm...perhaps i reali luv her deeply b4 bahx...hmm...all of us haf memories...b it gd or bad...yet...wat type of memories wud flash in our minds...?gd or bad...?hapi or sad...?hmm...actuali...at diff time of our life...sumtings wil happen n urge e memories to haf a stroll in our minds b4 goin back aft we stop tinkin abt it...hmm...wat wud we usually rem...?in reality...we rem lotsa memories...b it bad or gd...we rem dem cos dey made certain impacts to our life...isnt it...?hmm...humans r weird...we can nv reali noe exactly wat we wud feel n wil feel...life is too fascinating...there r alot of wonders n discoveries waiting for us to explore...i dono y...im feelin weird nw...

=end=

Love...

2004-07-01T20:32:00.000+08:00

hmm...lets tok abt love...haha...wat is love...?love to sum ppl is happiness...to sum it may seem 2 b pain, suffering n hurting stuff...hmm...love is liddat...first u nid to go thru abit of hardship b4 u can enjoy ur happiness wif e one u lyk or luv...its true in a way or another...u c...when u lyk sumone...wudnt u oways tel e person how u feel abt him or her...?its natural...isnt it...?luv starts wif all e pain n tirin stuff n ends wif e same ting...u c...when u start to chase aft e person u lyk...much effort is nided 2 win e person's heart...if u face rejection...wudnt u b in a hurtful state...?its usually liddat...n if u succeed...wudnt u b enjoyin ur life wif e person...?wudnt tt bring u happiness...?hmm...budden u c...when e two of u break up...how wud u feel...?wudnt u feel lyk e whole world is lyk crushin u...?definitely u wil feel e pain...e hurt...e sorrow...hmm...i find humans r weird beings...haha...when ppl sad abt luv tings...dey cum n tok to us abt it...n we console dem...budden when such luv problems happen to us...wudnt we feel e same as e ppl...?we wud b filled wif sadness...even thou we console others...yet we cant console ourselves sumtimes...thou e same tings may apply to us...weird isnt it...?hmm...luv in our life play a part to wat we may b...haha...luv is abit lyk business...no pain no gain...no effort no happiness...guess its liddat bahx...haha...tis is my deduction...yEaH mAn!!hAhAx...

ahx... wondering wat wil happen tml...

2004-06-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

hmm...another dae passes...a new day approachin tml...a new motivation appearing...haha...tml sci paper...hmm...tis shld b e easiest paper for me...hmm...im in debt to teachers sia...haha...cos i buy photos...both class n ava de...hmm...2dae aft e papers...hmm...when we go home tt time...i saw her...hmm...supposingly to pass her e present...hmm...den she walk so fast tt i din realise she was oreadi crossin e road...hmm...den she looked at me i guessed...so wif my bros urging me...i went over n pass her e present...hmm...den i came back to e bus stop...hmm...abit paiseh to do tt thou...hmm...but theres oways a first time to everyting rite...?hmm...tts all bahx...

+ miz ya... short n switx... heEx... +

hMm...

2004-06-27T16:15:00.000+08:00

ahx...jus created a new blog...hmm...e music stil e same...hmm...budden tis blog gt more tings...hmm...budden i haven finish doin e blog...so stil nid sum more time to complete...hmm...tts abt it la...gt nth much to write...